unwanted

what you say is not what you do.

two men in two days. now i will have to face the memories of two new men in my life. two deceptions.

number one, he does not need to be mentioned with a name, was the kind of men i have been avoiding since i started dating. he was senseless, rude. now thinking, i still do not know why i went on that meeting. maybe i know - i wanted sex. he did as well, at first.

when we met, i studied his face - white, shaved on the night before - then i tried to understand why he was there with me. my thoughts were very correct: he was self-centered and talkative (about himself). i guess i listened carefully for two hours - seven to nine. then, he said "i think we should go now". when he said that i knew we will never see each other again.

number two, well he deserved to be mentioned with a decent name, was the sweetheart i found on-line. he was kind and seemed very polite. cute.

i knew why he asked me out. at least, i thought i knew. he met me with a warm smile, i was happy. then we went straight to the movie. i did what i thought i was supposed to do, put hands near him, legs touching. he did nothing. less than three minutes after the movie finished i was on my way home.

i thought of poison, death. i was unwanted by two men in two days. thought of revenge, but how? no sex with number one, no romance with number two.

it is raining on me, now i wait for the sun.

knowledge vs. beauty

mom, i have one question.

i have always been taught to study, learn so you will work fine and make good money. and so did i. but no one told happiness was not included in the package.

when i say happiness, i mean love.

success, money have always knocked on my door. love never did. good jobs, college and courses are present. happiness wave at me from across the street.

today, mom, i would like to ask why myself - educated and polite - cannot compete with an empty beautiful body. maybe what fills the eyes is more important than what fills your brain. this is not me saying, but i have been called intelligent since i remember i was a person. beauty, yeah, i have called that too but i never bought it. now, i wonder why i was not loved and beauty one is very much loved.

mom, do you love me?

he told me he loves the beauty. beauty says nothing. and, now i know he means that because he told he mother knows. and this is beautiful, i mean love.

mom, i lost.

a new peter: impossible

new peter was born.

"how come you are going out with three guys at the same time?" my friend asked me after i told her about my weekend (as new peter). at first, i ruffled my thought quickly trying to come up with one explanation but i gave up, i just said "i guess i'm little sluty these day". i laughed, she did the same, but louder.

me? myself? slut?

why not?

guys on the weekend, malls and gossips during the weeks. i would never do that before. but now i am a different guy and i am just impossible. my adventures are just starting and i am not fearing at all what might happen if i mix my rebel new ego, alcohol, sex and my vanity.

to shock people was never so easy.

a new beginning - prologue

it was a regular day, another one. boring and predictable. i felt nothing but the wish i could skip this day and start tomorrow, but i knew it was not that easy. the decision of my life was going to be taken on that long-waited tomorrow, what made today miserably unwanted.

my life was going to change and it was not my decision, the thought of that mad me angry. mad. i have always been so well behaved and polite, like i was told to be, but, guess what? it lead me to nothing. now, i faced my life with two options: life or death.

i chose death - i was blindly frightened. so i put on my favorite song, cried for a while and drunk it. destiny, on the word hand, choose me life. it had no effect. i knew i would never be the same after trying that, i was never fear life like i did, after daring to face death.

once again, i was born.